


miss you (when you're right beside me)

by vatonages



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Coming of Age, Gen, M/M, Other characters mentioned - Freeform, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, side markhyuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-01 18:05:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16770190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vatonages/pseuds/vatonages
Summary: From the summer before senior year to the first year of college, Jeno just falls more and more in love with Jaemin.“Gorgeous, isn’t it?” Jaemin asks. There’s another explosion in the sky and this time it’s purple, dazzling and spread out wide like a hand that reaches for something.“Stunning,” Jeno says, but he isn’t talking about the fireworks.





	miss you (when you're right beside me)

**Author's Note:**

> the timeline goes from the summer before 00s line's last year of high school until new year's after their first semester of college. the scene jumps may be confusing but it's like this because it's those moments with jaemin that stick out to jeno and so the rest of the year doesn't really matter. this was something i worked on over the course of a few weeks that ended up being bigger than i imagined and i hope you enjoy!

Jeno has lived a mostly painless 17 years of life. There’s a few minor injuries here and there, mostly as a child. A few scraped knees, some bruises. The sinus headache he gets when the seasons change and his allergies act up.

Currently, the biggest source of his pain is seeing Jaemin smile so radiantly, his face illuminated by the soft glow of the moon. There’s fireworks, and every time they explode across the sky Jeno can see the pattern of light and heat reflected in Jaemin’s eyes. He’s holding cotton candy and has a cheap medal he won from one of those rigged fair games around his neck, and Jeno thinks this hurts more than any of those other things, wanting to have someone you can never have.

Jeno thinks that if Jaemin could hear his heartbeat, it would drown out the sound of the fireworks sizzling until all Jaemin could hear would be a steady thumping in his chest that gets faster and faster the longer he looks at him.

Jaemin directs his smile at Jeno and he looks so beautifully happy. Jeno smiles back but his mouth feels tight at the corners, like they might rip.

“Gorgeous, isn’t it?” Jaemin asks. There’s another explosion in the sky and this time it’s purple, dazzling and spread out wide like a hand that reaches for something.

“Stunning,” Jeno says, but he isn’t talking about the fireworks. He can feel summer fizzling out and dying in a visceral way, the same way the fireworks fade out and leave only the traces of smoke behind

* * *

Jeno and Jaemin are at Renjun’s house, and the Huangs have a nice big swimming pool that makes a perfect place for the boys to cool down when it’s hot. It’s 3:45 PM, and the chill of evening is starting to give them goosebumps when they rise from the water. It’s almost time to get out and change into dry clothes, sit in Renjun’s room with a scented candle lit and have one of their special talks, but Jeno and Jaemin are holding hands and laughing, standing at the edge of the pool.

“Renjun!” Jaemin calls, waving him over. “Donghyuk! Hold hands. It’s the last time we can all do this. Let’s all jump in on the count of three!” They’re boys. Teen boys. So it’s almost a given that someone isn’t going to jump with the others or that someone in going to get pushed in, but instead Renjun comes over on Jeno’s right side and Donghyuk comes over to Jaemin’s left, and they all join hands.

“To senior year! 1, 2, 3!” Jaemin leads the count, and they’re all jumping in. The splash is so great that water jumps over the edges of the pool, and when they all come back up, panting for air after being submerged in the water, they’re laughing. Jeno gets a little farther away, his mind letting him remove himself from the moment, view it from outside of himself, like a god. He lets the laughter fade out into background noise. This is summer, he thinks. This is youth. He tries to memorize everyone’s faces like this, tries to laminate the moment so that it lasts for eternity.

Sometimes, when Jeno gets a bit too pessimistic, he already misses his friends. He misses them when they’re right next to him.

“Jeno?” Jaemin asks, tapping him on the shoulder.

“Hm?” Jeno asks, dazed from his thoughts. Jaemin smiles.

“Let’s go inside. You’re shivering!” Jeno looks down at his arms, like he doesn’t believe Jaemin even though he is gradually becoming aware of his own coldness as he returns to himself.

“I guess I am,” Jeno looks up, laughing.

“Lee Jeno! Get out of the pool before you get hypothermia! Come dry off!” Renjun is yelling, waving a towel, and then Jeno pulls himself out of the pool, feeling the cool air hit all of his wet skin. He knows that inside there’s a candle waiting to be lit, warm clothes to change into, and a conversation to have with his friends. And that’s enough for him.

* * *

“Do you believe in soulmates?” Jisung asks one day. They’re sitting at their table in the cafeteria. The one they always sit at and have been sitting at for years. “I ended up on the weird side of Youtube the other night and now I think I might. What about you guys?”

“Of course!” Jaemin answers at the same time that Renjun goes “Absolutely not,” They make eye contact.

“Ah, Renjun, must you be so pessimistic?” Jaemin whines, tugging on Renjun’s sleeve. Renjun pulls it away from him.

“I’m not a pessimist. I’m a realist, and if soulmates are real how do you explain all the people that end up dying alone and never meet anyone?”

“They just didn’t find their soulmate yet,” Jaemin explains, like Renjun is a fool.

“Oh, is that why? It’s not because they never had a soulmate in the first place?”

“Maybe it’s karma or something,” Donghyuk says. “Maybe some people did something shitty and that’s why their soulmate never finds them.” Then he shrugs, gets up to get some lunch. He got there late, but he’s quick on the uptake, and he’s hungry.

“Oh, so you can believe in aliens but not soulmates?” Jaemin shoots back, and oh, now he’s done it. Chenle and Jisung groan. Mentally, Jeno is doing the same.

“That’s because there’s no way that in this entire mysterious universe that we could be the only living-” Jeno stops listening then. It’s the same argument he hears every time.

* * *

Jeno is in the school library taking notes from the textbook because he’s been slacking a bit lately and he doesn’t want to wait around for it to catch up with him. His mom says he’s being proactive, making a good decision. Jeno agrees. He can pretend like he doesn’t care when he’s with his friends, but at the end of the day the fear of failing keeps him up at night. Sometimes Jeno feels like an idiot. He gets anxious when he breaks rules, when he lies, basically when he does regular teenager things. Maybe his mom raised him a little too well. Maybe he’s just a coward.

Jaemin drops his bag in the chair next to him and suddenly Jeno can’t focus anymore.

“We have class in 15 minutes,” Jaemin says, sitting down. He looks at Jeno until he finally lifts his head up.

“I know, I just wanted to get some quick studying in before-”

“Do you want to skip with me?” Jaemin asks, and Jeno can feel the anxiety that always comes with being asked to do something he knows is wrong flowing through his body as if he just drank three shots of espresso. He can’t really afford to miss class when he’s in the middle of trying to catch up on his studies and make sure his grades stay up, but this is Jaemin asking. If it were Donghyuk or Jisung or anybody else really, it’d be easy to turn them down, maybe laugh it off.

“We’re graduating soon,” Jeno says. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“It’s just for a day,” Jaemin says, leaning in closer to Jeno. “It won’t make much difference for me anyway. Come with me,” He puts an arm around Jeno’s shoulders. He’s always been so persuasive. Jeno is closing his textbook and putting it into his backpack before he’s even consciously aware that’s what he’s doing.

“Just this once,” Jeno acquiesces, and Jaemin lets out a silent cheer. Jeno thinks there’s some kind of joke to be made about them planning to skip school while in the library, but there’s no time to articulate it because then Jaemin is pulling him by the hand towards the exit, and all Jeno can feel or think about is the warmth of Jaemin’s hand holding his.

* * *

The problem with Jaemin is that he’s dreamy. Jeno has actually told Jaemin this before, which is funny, because it’s almost a confession but it’s just missing a few parts.

“‘Dreamy’?” Jaemin had laughed. “Is this the 80s? Well, Lee Jeno. If I’m dreamy then you’re a _heartthrob_.” He laughed some more then, slightly swatted at Jeno’s chest while Jeno smiled back. (He always smiles back).

But Jeno means it. He has a movie scene all planned out (He hasn’t told Jaemin this part). Jaemin walks into school in slow motion, wind blowing his hair as he smiles and his perfect teeth sparkle in the light. People are staring at him with their mouths dropping open or they’re turning away to scream because The Na Jaemin just looked their way, or they’re dropping their books in shock and scrambling to pick them up without looking away from him, so they don’t miss one second of it. Of him.

Na Jaemin is the classic dreamy 80s boy that everyone wishes they could have, and Jeno is more like a supporting character that pines quietly in the background.

“Hyung?” Jisung asks, waving a hand in front of Jeno’s face. “I think we need to stop watching these sorts of movies. They’re making you loopy.” Jisung takes the remote and turns the movie off, and Jeno stares at the floor. Chenle squeals in victory. He never wanted to watch it in the first place, but he got overruled.

“Should I put on a meokbang instead?” Jisung asks, already searching for one. Beside him, Chenle protests and screams for Jisung to put on a basketball game while his cries fall on deaf ears. Jeno nods and Jisung smiles at him and nods back, proud of himself for knowing Jeno so well. _A meokbang_ , Jisung thinks. _Of course he wants to watch one._

“Woah! 10,000 calories of Pad Thai. Can you imagine?” Chenle asks, laughing as he does so. Chenle and Jisung are young, and their attention doesn’t stay on any one thing for too long. For that, Jeno is sometimes grateful.

“Hyung,” Jisung says, tapping Jeno’s shoulder without breaking his focus on the screen. “Look at all those peanuts!” Jeno’s back now, out of his fantasy, the scene he plays in his head. He hears Renjun’s voice yell “Cut!” somewhere in the imaginary hallway and he turns to the screen just as the lady lowers a sizeable bite of noodles into her mouth. Beside him Jisung is a constant soundtrack of _Wah! Wah….Wah_ s.

* * *

Sometimes when Jeno has Jaemin over he feels like he’s telling an awful lie. Jaemin is laying in his bed with his cute pink socks on, the ones that reach mid calf. His legs are in the air while he reads a comic before putting it down and turning to look at Jeno. Jeno isn’t sure he was ever really reading the comic.

“Are you okay? You’re not saying much. And you don’t snuggle up to me like you used to. What’s up with that? Do I not smell good? Are you-” Jaemin grins. “-too old for that now?” He dives forward to tickle Jeno. Jeno isn’t very ticklish, but he laughs anyway.

“Stop,” he pants as Jaemin lets up. “It’s not that.”

“It better not be!” Jaemin says. “I shower religiously. And you’re not allowed to grow out of our friendship. You’re stuck with me _forever,”_ Jaemin says, and rolls over so he’s crushing Jeno a bit. Jeno thinks that sounds kind of like heaven, but he wishes Jaemin knew what he was promising.

“I’m fine,” Jeno says, smiling his best smile. The one where his eyes are sparkly little crescent moons. The one that gets him and his mom discounts on fruit at the farmer’s market. Jaemin says that after so many years of knowing each other it doesn’t work anymore, but every once in a while it gets to him. This is one of those times.

“Just don’t get too cool to hug me. Who’s that girl that dies if she doesn’t get attention? The blonde one? Whatever. I’m like her.”

“That’s Tinkerbell. I think. And I couldn’t be cool if I tried.” Jaemin laughs.

“That’s exactly why I like you so much, Jeno.”

Jeno lets Jaemin get close to him then, snuggle up to him. Jaemin asked him to, but it feels like a mean trick. _You wouldn’t want me to be close to you like this if you knew,_ Jeno thinks. _And that’s exactly why I can’t tell you._

On Jaemin’s end, it’s just some physical affection between friends, and for Jeno it used to be like that too. But it’s different now. So Jeno just lets Jaemin do what he wants, doesn’t initiate anything, moves away when it’s getting to be a bit too much. He’s sort of like a mannequin in that regard, but he wishes he could enjoy this closeness. He’s not sure how much of it he has left.

* * *

Jeno’s birthday arrives quietly. He’s 18 now, an adult in China according to Renjun and Chenle, and the prospect is exciting to him.

“He’s in such a rush to be an adult,” Jaehyun laughs. “He won’t be so excited when he finally is one. It gets old real fast,”

“Shush,” Taeyong says softly. “Let him be excited. He’s still a kid for another year anyways,”

It’s landed on a Saturday, but everyone is busy anyways. Renjun’s grandma is visiting from China and Chenle went to his house to eat the authentic Chinese food his grandma is making. Jaemin is visiting some family in the countryside. Donghyuk is helping Mark with a college music assignment, singing background vocals for a track he’s making, and Jisung is off somewhere doing Jisung things. Maybe he’s finally studying.

It’s okay, Jeno thinks. A quiet birthday with family is fine, too. His dad grills him meat and his mom bakes him a cake. They sing to him, just a bit tone deaf, but it sounds beautiful because they love him so much. He makes a wish and blows the candles out. His sister is away at college, but she sent a card in the mail a few weeks ago and Jeno’s mother hands it to him. It has 50,000 won in it and it says:

“Our handsome Jeno,

hope senior year is going well. Don’t slack on the school work, got it? School comes first! But have fun, too. Next year you’ll be an adult. Don’t grow up too fast. I worked hard for this money so please spend it wisely.

With love, Unnie”

Jeno laughs, and there’s a tear sliding down his cheek.

“Unnie?” his father asks incredulously.

“It’s just this joke we have,” Jeno explains, and his throat is tight. He feels bad for being lonely when his family is right there. When they’re talking to him.

“Ah, she used to put those barrettes in your hair. It was so long.” His mom says fondly. They eat the cake quietly, and then go their separate ways.

“Thanks for the meal,” Jeno says, and then he’s back in his room. Alone again.

“Happy birthday!!!!!!! ^_^ kkkkkkkk” comes Chenle’s message, and Jeno smiles despite the weird feeling in his chest. He knows he’s being dramatic, but for just one moment it had felt like maybe, just maybe they’d all forgotten about him. He tries to ignore it and listen to music, puts his headphones on and just shuts his eyes. He falls asleep at some point, but then he wakes up to tapping on the door.

“Hm?” he asks tiredly, taking off the headphones and sitting up. The door opens slowly as he fixes his sleep mussed hair. He checks his phone to see everyone’s birthday messages and smiles.

“Happy birthday!” says the person opening the door, and Jeno blinks, thinks there’s no way this could be. He puts his glasses on, and no, it is. It’s him. It’s Jaemin.

“Jaemin!” he says, because he can’t even pretend to not be happy to see him. Jaemin rushes forward to hug him, but the bag he’s holding makes it a little awkward. They squeeze each other tight.

“What are you doing here?” Jeno asks, laughing as they pull apart. “It’s like 9PM, and I thought you were going to be visiting family until tomorrow night.”

“I couldn’t wait that long,” Jaemin says, grinning. “And then it wouldn’t be your birthday anyways. Open it, open it, open it,” he says excitedly, the words knocking together as he pushes the bag he’s holding forward. Jeno reaches inside, takes the bow off the present and puts it on top of Jaemin’s head, giggling. Jaemin giggles back.

“I know you don’t like plushies as much as I do, but I thought it’d be cute to have something that you can hug. Something that makes you think of me when you see it,” _As if I don’t think of you enough already_ , Jeno thinks to himself, hugging the giant stuffed Cinnamoroll close.

“How cute! You two kind of look alike,” Jaemin says. “Wait, keep going. There’s some other stuff in there.” Jeno makes a visibly surprised face and Jaemin laughs.

“Have to go all out for a best friend’s birthday, you know? In China, you’re an adult now. Seemed pretty important.” Jeno laughs, wonders if Renjun told everybody that a month ago when it was his birthday.

“Doyoung hyung is kind of in denial about that,”

“I think all the hyungs are,” Jeno finishes carefully unwrapping the smaller gift, and it’s a framed photo of them. There’s several of them, he realizes when he looks down and sees that the other things in the bag are all shaped the same.

“So yeah, they’re just pictures of us. Oh, and I got you a _hypoallergenic_ lip balm, for your sensitive lips. So, happy birthday, Jeno! How do you feel? Old?”

“Well,” Jeno says, still hugging Cinnamoroll. “I feel...really happy. I didn’t expect to see any of you guys today, and to be honest, I was a little lonely. But then you showed up, so.” Jeno feels the beginning signs of getting choked up, takes a second to collect himself and just smiles at Jaemin, who is listening attentively. “So, thank you, Jaemin. For coming and for this giant Cinnamoroll and just, everything. Thanks for being my friend.” Jaemin laughs.

“Say it!” he says, and Jeno is confused.

“What?” he says, blinking fast.

“I know you’re thinking it so just say it! Say you love me.” And oh, Jeno’s chest aches. Jaemin’s not thinking of the same kind of love he is, and Jeno’s not sure he can say the words when it’s not what he really means anyway. When it’s so close to the truth. His face burns.

“I love you, Jaemin.” He kind of mumbles, but Jaemin lets out a victorious screech, and tackles him in a hug.

“Good enough for me. I love you too, Jeno. That’s why I printed out all those photos and put them in the frames. It was really hard!” Jaemin whines, dragging out the _reaaally_ , as if Jeno could never truly understand the difficulties he went through trying to jam the photos inside the frames. 

“Oh, I’m sleeping over by the way. Got permission from my mom and your mom and everything already. Just need your permission. So, can I sleepover? Please don’t say no because I have my blanket and pajamas and everything and it’ll be really awkward if you do.” Jeno laughs at that, deep and genuine in a way he hasn’t laughed in a while.

“Yes, you can sleepover.” he says, and Jaemin visibly relaxes, which is funny, because Jeno could never even think of saying no to Jaemin, of turning him down.

“Thank you for that, but first, I have to go steal a slice of the birthday cake. I will be right back,” Jaemin says, and Jeno laughs, lets him head into the kitchen while he replies to his birthday messages one by one.

“Jeno, I’m so sorry I couldn’t wish you a happy birthday in person! How was it? @_@ Your gift is coming in the mail! Just wait a bit! I promise it’s good!” Doyoung says.

“That’s okay, hyung. I know you’re really busy. I’ll look forward to it! Thanks so much. And honestly? This was kind of my best birthday ever.” Jeno types back, and sees the little yellow 1 next to the message disappear almost instantly.

“@_@ Yes!!!! That’s exactly what my Jeno deserves. I’ll come up to visit as soon as possible! Can’t believe you’re 18 already T_T It can’t be!!! Please don’t grow up so fast. It’s bad for hyung’s heart.”

“Hehe. Love you, hyung. Hope to see you soon. And believe it ^_^ I’m practically an adult. <3” He locks his phone as Jaemin reenters with a plate, eating the cake as he walks. He looks up, makes eye contact with Jeno just as his mouth is covered in frosting, and Jeno loves him. He really loves him. And for this one night, Jeno decides he’ll let himself be selfish. He’ll sleep next to Jaemin like old times and he won’t feel guilty about it. Not tonight.

Jaemin is a big tangle of limbs around him as he sleeps, and his body is warm and familiar. Jeno lets that warmth bleed into his skin, lets the pleasant weight of Jaemin’s limbs ease him into sleep.

* * *

They’re at the school dance (It’s the biggest one of the year). It’s not like the proms they see in American movies. It’s much more modest and casual, but it’s just as nice. The class president decorated the gymnasium with gold streamers, and while it looks pretty there’s something particularly high school and desperate about it. Jeno touches one that’s about to fall down, the tape losing its stickiness. His fingers are running over the surface when Jaemin suddenly appears and puts an arm around his shoulders.

“Jeno!” he says fondly. “Come dance! Have a good time. Come on, you love dancing!” he says, like Jeno isn’t aware. It’s different here, though. It just doesn’t seem like the right place to start breaking out in powerful dance moves, and Jeno is more of a choreography guy anyways. It’s Jisung who’s the freestyle king.

“Go ask Jisung,” Jeno says. “He’s really good at that type of thing.” And normally Jaemin doesn’t even need a reason to go up to Jisung and start bothering him, but he seems particularly stubborn today for some reason.

  
“Aw, Jeno. That’s no fun. I know you can be fun. Save a slow dance for me, at least?” Jaemin whines, hanging onto Jeno now with his entire body weight. He’s shockingly heavy. Jeno blinks.

“Are you serious?” he asks, and Jaemin pouts.

“Of course I am! I’ll leave you be for now because there are cheeks that need pinching, but I’ll come find you when a slow song comes on, okay? It’s the last dance of the school year, Jeno.” Jeno feels strangely like he’s being scolded, but he nods.

“Okay,” he says, his shuddering heartbeat betraying his calm response. “Just one song,” he says, half to himself. He doesn’t want too much false hope to build up inside of him. Jaemin has already let him have too much.

For a while, Jeno just people watches. It all seems like a lot of people just rearranging themselves to create the illusion of being busy and social, talking to people they don’t even particularly want to be talking to, jumping up and down. There’s one or two girls who ask to dance with him, but Jeno just kindly declines. He’s nice enough that none of them seem too hurt.

Across the gym, he can see Donghyuk dancing a little too passionately to the song that’s on, and the people around him laughing at him. It’s a good kind of laughter though, the kind that happens because the person who’s being laughed at wants it to happen. Jeno is laughing too, quietly and to himself, a habit of his.

“You’re always mysteriously laughing by yourself,” Renjun jokes once, but that just makes Jeno laugh too. “It makes me want to know what funny things I’m missing out on,”

Jeno kind of wants to walk over to them, not to dance but just to be around them, be with his friends. His eyes and chest are full of a strange fondness as he looks at them, like he’s looking at them through the nostalgic lense of the past even though this couldn’t be more in the present, is happening in real time right before him. Somehow he feels like he missed the timing, like if he made his way through the crowd of bodies that are all too close together, it’d be awkward. As if he’d ruin the atmosphere.

  
“Jeno Lee!” Chenle calls across the gym, making sure to do it in an exaggeratedly deep voice, in the same way Mark always did.

Jeno misses him a lot. He cried at his graduation, trying to laugh it off when Mark said his name with wide eyes and concern, gently pushing tissues against his wet cheeks. Mark wasn’t used to seeing Jeno be so...emotional, and the sight of him crying seemed to shock him somewhat. Jeno could still hear the way he’d said his name, like he didn’t know what to say.

_“Jeno…”_

“He’s not _dying_ , Jeno.” Donghyuk said, but he was crying too. Renjun, also teary eyed, slapped him on the arm.

“Will you shut up?”

“Jeno! Over here!” Renjun calls, waving his arms. Jeno puts down his drink, walks over to them. He almost gets body slammed by a dancing boy who isn’t paying attention to his surroundings, but manages to narrowly avoid it as Chenle points and laughs. His laughter crackles through the whole gymnasium, and Jeno doesn’t understand how people don’t look up at the sound.

“What were you doing over there all by yourself?” Donghyuk asks. “You looked like a friendless loser. I mean, even if you are one, that doesn’t mean you have to _look_ like one.”

“Are you embarrassed by us?” Renjun jokes. “Was our dancing not good enough for you?” Jeno pretends to consider that, presses his lips together in a firm line.

“Well, Jisung left a lot to be desired. I was expecting a popping dance battle.”

“Dance battles aren’t fun when you know who’s going to win,” Jisung answers cheekily, and Jeno gasps. Jaemin pinches his cheek.

“Oh, our Jisungie is confident, huh?”

“When will he stop doing this to me?” Jisung whines to nobody in particular.

“Someday…” Chenle says, his expression strangely wistful as he pats Jisung’s back. The song switches, and there’s a moment of silence where the talking of the students is suddenly so loud that Jeno can’t believe the music was ever able to drown it out.

Then the beat kicks in.

It’s a song they all know, love and listen to whenever they can. They know all the words. They can feel the bass in their chests, replacing their heartbeat. Excitement trumps Jeno’s strange apprehension and then they’re all in a circle, just yelling the words and jumping up and down with arms around each other.

It’s a kind of happiness that Jeno thinks comes only a few times in one’s lifetime, comes only if you time it just right. The kind that overrides all your other thoughts and feelings at the moment. The song feels like it’s never going to end. It feels like they’re the only people in the entire gymnasium, the only ones who really matter at least. Jeno loves his friends so much he could burst, and then there’s Jaemin, smiling and laughing and looking so, so pretty. Jeno doesn’t want this to end, doesn’t want to stop feeling this infinite youth and joy.

But the song ends. It has to.

The transition isn’t smooth. The next song is a slow song, which leaves them with all this adrenaline and energy and nowhere to put it. Jisung excuses himself to go use the restroom and Chenle goes with him. Donghyuk gets hungry from “all the dancing” he’s been doing, and Renjun walks with him to get a snack.

That leaves Jeno and Jaemin alone, staring at each other while everyone around them forms groups of two and starts swaying back and forth with each other. There’s a group of 7 girls holding hands and swaying with each other in slow motion, which is cute. It’s probably what they’d be doing if the others hadn’t left. Jaemin is smiling at him and Jeno feels nauseous, so nauseous as Jaemin steps closer.

“I told you I’d find you. One song, right?” Jaemin takes Jeno’s nervous silence as a response. He extends his hand, grinning somehow even wider. “May I have this dance?” Jaemin asks, and Jeno can’t just leave him hanging.

He puts his hand in Jaemin’s outstretched hand and then Jaemin adjusts them so they’re standing close together and one of his hands is on Jeno’s waist and the other is intertwined with Jeno’s hand. It’s awkward for a moment, which is funny because Jeno and Jaemin have both been dancing for at least five years. Just not with each other, not like this.

“Don’t be nervous,” Jaemin says kindly. “It’s just me,” Then he moves Jeno’s hands so they’re both resting on his shoulders. He moves his own to Jeno’s waist. Jeno swallows hard.

“See? It’s not so bad,” Jaemin says. They’re about a minute and a half into the song, and Jeno has relaxed a bit. It’s hard to be comfortable when the person you love is holding your waist and dancing with you and their eyes are sparkling like the night sky but they don’t know about any of it. They have no idea at all. But Jeno is trying his best.

“I didn’t say it was bad. I’m just not used to this…” Jeno says, and Jaemin laughs.

“You’re cute when you’re flustered,” he says. Jeno wishes Jaemin wouldn’t say things like that so easily. It makes it even harder for him. Jeno is so focused on his nervousness and how close he is to Jaemin that he doesn’t notice the song ends.

He backs away, wipes his sweaty palms on his pants.

“Okay,” he says, so he doesn’t make it weird for Jaemin. “That was our one song.” Jaemin pouts. There’s another slow song starting. The guy who’s playing the music seems to like the feel he’s created in the gymnasium. Jeno wonders how many other people are like him, in love and not talking about it. He wonders if anyone loves them back.

“Still, it seems like a shame to just end it like that. One more song?” Jaemin asks. “Please?” he adds, when he sees Jeno’s hesitant facial expression.

How could Jeno say no? How could he conjure up the strength? He finds himself unable to, so he sighs. It’s a fake hardship. If he agrees too easily then Jaemin will know. He’ll find out and think Jeno is weird and push him away, and that would just hurt too much. Jeno would be all alone in the gymnasium full of 300 kids all because he couldn’t maintain a good enough pokerface.

“Okay,” Jeno says, moving to put his hands back on Jaemin’s shoulders. “But just one more,” Jaemin catches his hands before they land.

“Not like that,” he says, to Jeno’s confusion. “Like this,” he says, and moves so he’s basically hugging Jeno as he sways. In this position, Jeno doesn’t have much choice but to lean his head on Jaemin’s chest, mostly tucked into the side of his neck because they’re almost the exact same height.

He feels like he’s going to die. He feels like he’s going to faint right in the gymnasium and hit his head on Jaemin’s expensive shoes when he falls because he stopped breathing and he’s so close to Jaemin and Jaemin smells so good and he’s so pretty and he’s holding Jeno so gently.

The moment feels strangely fragile, so none of them say anything. Jeno decides that if he’s going to do this, then he better enjoy it. So he just closes his eyes and feels himself melt into Jaemin’s chest while they sway. There’s something a little hypnotizing about it. The song they’re dancing to bleeds into another song, two songs. The spell isn’t broken until the DJ loudly announces that the dance is going to end in 10 minutes.

When they separate, and the lights are getting turned back on in the gymnasium and everyone starts putting on their jackets to head home, and people are kissing goodbye, there’s something that passes between the two of them, like they both have so much to say but no idea how to say it.

It might be Jeno’s imagination, but it seems like Jaemin is moving closer to him-

“What do we have here?” Donghyuk teases, appearing with a brownie, and then Jaemin is definitely much further away, his arms hanging at his sides like he’s done something wrong. The brownie crumbs are falling helplessly onto the gym floor.

“I leave for two minutes…” Renjun says.

“It was more like 20 minutes! And Jeno here kindly agreed to be my dance partner and kept me company.” A pause. “Unlike _some_ people who ran off with excuses because they don’t appreciate me enough,” It seems a little bit like a buffer between the reality and what Jaemin wants them to believe. Jeno can just feel it, but he doesn’t know how to feel about it. It’s a little too scripted, Jaemin’s normal bravado but packaged and artificial.

“I have to get home,” Jeno says. Maybe it’s not the right thing to say, but Jaemin just nods. “I didn’t realize how late it was,” He feels cold where he’s lacking Jaemin’s warmth. He doesn’t look at the others, just picks up his coat and puts it on before walking out.

He can’t sleep when he gets home. He lays in bed awake all night replaying every moment where he was pressed against Jaemin’s chest, how safe and nice and warm it had been. But he replays the moment where Jaemin had seemed to lean closer the most. What was he doing? What would he have done if the others hadn’t come back at that very moment?

“are u and jaemin a thing now?” comes a text from Donghyuk. Jeno groans. He opens it, types a simple “no”, and locks his phone. He can’t handle any teasing. It’s too close to the truth, and Jeno feels dumb enough as is. He doesn’t need anyone else adding on to it. Maybe he’s being unfair to them, but he can’t help it. He pulls the blanket over his head and hopes for even one moment of sleep.

The next day at school him and Jaemin act like nothing happened. It’s the only way to get through something like that. Jeno thinks he’ll lock it inside of his heart and savour it forever. He thinks it’ll always be one of his most precious memories. It’s so pretty, so gorgeous and lovely in his heart. The pain comes later, like picking up a rose and pricking your finger on the thorns. The burn that follows a shot of alcohol (not that Jeno would know. It’s just what Jaehyun tells him). But it’s all worth it. If it’s Jaemin, it’ll always be worth it.

Some part of Jeno feels like maybe they just missed each other, like ships passing in the night. Maybe the timing was just a bit off, but then logic takes over. It’s wishful thinking, he thinks. Jaemin is just sweet, just affectionate and got a bit too carried away and then regretted it afterwards.

Somehow, Jeno can’t get himself to regret a single thing.

* * *

Him and Jaemin are sitting next to each other on a swingset the day before graduation. It’s the same park they grew up going to, the one with the really creaky swings that need to be replaced. It’s been about 10 years and they’re still going somehow, but if they weren’t so fond of the place itself then the creaking would be unbearable. _Eee, err, eee…_

The weather is getting warm out again, and Jeno knows it’s just the seasons changing. You know, spring to summer. That kind of thing. The process that happens every year. But Jeno likes to think it means something. New beginnings or something. A butterfly flew past him at graduation rehearsal the other day and he thought maybe it was a good sign. Maybe that butterfly was them flying off to bigger and better things.

“Sometimes it’s like I can feel the sands of our youth slipping right out of my fingers,” Jeno holds out a fist and lets it slowly open, lowers it to let it rest on his thigh.

“Must you be so dramatic?” Jaemin says. He’s sitting upside down in the swing now, and it’s definitely not safe, but he’s also definitely going to get dirt in his hair. He’s not as short as he was when he was 8 and his hair is dragging across the ground. Jeno can’t promise he’ll be the one who dusts him off when he sits back up.

“Are you one to talk?” Jeno asks, laughing.

“Point taken. Not my fault I’m a Leo.“

“And not my fault I’m a Taurus! I didn’t even know that. Donghyuk told me that the other day. He said he’s a Gemini, whatever that means.”

“He is!?” Jaemin shrieks. “Of fucking course he is,” and now he’s talking to himself. “He _would_ be a Gemini. Oh, it all makes sense…”

* * *

They graduate high school and Doyoung comes with flowers and lifts him up on his shoulders and Yukhei screams too loud at the announcement of their names and there’s a lot of pictures, happy pictures, group pictures, pictures where they’re crying just a bit.

“Donghyuk, why are you here?” Renjun asks, pretending to be surprised. “You graduated? With that Chem grade?” Donghyuk punches him in the shoulder, but he’s crying and laughing at the same time.

“Shut up! You look so ugly right now.”

Jeno himself isn’t really crying. He feels perfectly okay, actually. He’s fine- Oh, but then Jisung is handing him a bouquet of flowers and looking sheepish, fringe that’s grown too long all in his eyes. Jeno wants to reach forward and push it out of the way.

“I’m uh, proud of you hyung.” And oh no, Jisung reaches up to wipe a tear from his eye. Oh no. “And I’m going to miss you next year. It’s going to be weird walking around and not seeing you guys at lunch or anything. It’s not fair that I’m losing all 4 of you at once. Couldn’t one of you get held back? Was that too much to ask? I thought maybe I’d get to see Donghyuk hyung around-”

“I heard that, you brat!” Donghyuk yells.

“-But they called his name and I was like, oh man, this is really it. Now I just have Chenle.”

“What’s wrong with that!” Chenle yells.

“-And Chenle is great. He’s my best friend, but he’s not you guys. So, uh. Good luck at college and stuff. Come visit sometimes.”

“Jisung, we’re not dying. Oh my god.” Renjun says, but he’s all puffy and red from crying, so Jeno doesn’t really think he’s in a position to be saying anything. He definitely started crying himself, somewhere between getting handed the bouquet and Jisung insulting Donghyuk. He’s trying to fan his eyes with his free hand, but it’s not really helping.

“We’re gonna miss you too, Jisung. I’ll annoy you on KakaoTalk every day! You’ll wish I didn’t have your number. I’ll send you the duck!”

“I hate the duck!” Jisung sniffles.

“I know,” Jeno laughs, also sniffling. “That’s why I’m going to send it.”

“You guys do realize we have all summer together, right?” Jaemin asks. Jeno isn’t really sure where he was before now. Maybe it doesn’t matter. Maybe all that matters is that he’s here now. He puts one arm around Jeno and the other around Jisung and pulls them closer together in a sad sort of weepy group hug.

“By the time the school year rolls around again, Jisung is gonna be happy to see us go. Isn’t that right, Jisung?” Jaemin asks, pinching Jisung’s cheek and stretching it out. Jisung’s skin is so elastic. Jeno is half expecting it to make a snapping sound when Jaemin lets go of it. Jisung is crying too hard to talk now.

One by one, the others come over and then they’re really hugging. They’re squeezing each other too hard and it’s a little hard to breathe, but it’s nice too. Anchoring each other down when they all feel like they’re ships going their separate ways on the sea. Jeno hears a camera shutter, but he’s not sure who took the photo. When they finally let go, Renjun falls to the ground, weak and out of breath.

“Love me less, guys. Love me less,” he wheezes, and there’s a tearful round of laughter.

* * *

“Guess who’s here!” Jeno’s mother calls from downstairs, and she doesn’t say that when it’s just Jaemin or Renjun or any of his other friends that he sees all the time, so Jeno figures this must be pretty special. He makes sure he looks okay, fixes his hair with his fingers, takes his glasses off and sets them on the dresser.

“You look fine with them on, I don’t know why you take them off whenever other people are around. You need them to see!” Renjun says once, after witnessing Jeno rip his glasses off his face at the sight of Jaemin. Jeno isn’t sure why he’s comfortable with Renjun and his own family seeing him with glasses on but nobody else.

“That’s why I have contacts,” Jeno answers smoothly, saving the matter of his insecurities for another day, and Renjun just sighs.

Jeno goes downstairs and stops briefly in the middle of the staircase out of shock before he hurries down the rest of them and into Mark’s arms.

“Hyung!” he says, hugging Mark so tight that he almost drops the bag and bouquet he’s holding. It’s only from seeing Mark’s pained expression that Jeno’s mom urges Jeno to let go as she laughs.

“Don’t suffocate him, honey. Then he really won’t be visiting again.” He gives him mom a look as if to say _“Don’t say things like that,”_ but she’s already in the other room, giving them a moment.

“Hyung, what are you doing here? I thought you didn’t get back from college for another week or so, and I thought you’d be too busy to see us,” _Us_ , he says, because saying “see _me_ ” feels just a little too intimate, even if it’s what he means anyways. He knows Mark gets it.

“I got out earlier than I thought. My last exam was yesterday so there’s no point in attending the rest of my classes anyways. I’m a free man. Oh, take this bag. I missed your birthday and graduation, so I’m trying to make up for it. Oh, god. I missed everyone’s birthday. I’m going to have to eat ramyeon for a year after getting everyone’s presents.” Jeno laughs as he takes the bag.

“You do that anyways,” Mark looks scandalized.

“But not even the good kind! I’ll have to eat the cheap ramyeon that tastes like cardboard and chicken!”

“It’s the price of love,” Jeno says, but really, he feels bad. It’s definitely nice to get your friends birthday presents, but not when it’s so devastating to your bank account. Mark needs food money, after all. And Jeno has like, half a crush left over from freshman year, and he’s kind of concerned about the lack of fruits and vegetables and _water_ in Mark’s diet. He shudders.

“Maybe you’ll just have to come over every day this summer to eat whatever my mom cooks. Oh wait, you’ll be home, right? Your mom is probably super excited to fatten you up and stuff. You know, typical mom things. The ramyeon can wait until next semester.”

“I guess you’re right. Speaking of, your first semester of college is in a few months. How do you feel? You’re a high school graduate now, Jeno Lee.”

“I’m really excited! And also terrified. You know the feeling.”

“That I do.”

“You know Chenle does that now? The Jeno Lee thing? It’s terrifying how much he sounds like you sometimes. Sometimes I have to look around to make sure it’s not you.”

“I can’t think of something more horrifying than Chenle being able to imitate me perfectly. Why would you say that?” Mark whines.

“If I have to live with it, so do you. Thanks for these flowers, by the way. They’re gorgeous. Guess who else got me flowers? You’ll never guess.” Jeno says, smiling mischievously as he gets a vase and puts the flowers in some fresh water. He sets it right next to the other ones, and the colors do not compliment each other one bit. Nope, they clash terribly, but there’s something nice about it. Two gestures of love that were planned completely separately.

“Doyoung hyung?”

“Nope!”

“Taeyong hyung?”

“He couldn’t even come to the graduation. Here, it was Jisung!” Mark gasps.

“Jisung?” Mark cries, and Jeno nods quickly, feeding off Mark’s energy.

“He came up to me with his hair all in his eyes and he was crying and he said he was going to _miss us_ and that he was _proud of me!”_

_“Jisung_ said that?”

“I know!”

“Aw, Jisung Pwark!” Mark says. “That kid is too cute.”

“He really isn’t. He’s a menace to society. He just has pinchable cheeks and you all mistake that for innocence. You’re giving him exactly what he wants. Remember when he was 14 and he said his dream was world domination? I’ve never forgotten.”

Jeno takes a moment to open the bag, and it’s got a card in an envelope, all decorated by Taeyong hyung with a sun in the corner. The card is a big long letter from Mark to Jeno, and it’s a little too heartfelt to be reading while Mark watches him, quiet and intent, serious in a way he usually isn’t., but he’s already started. It’s one of those moments where Jeno really feels the weight of Mark’s _hyung_ status. The year of difference between them. And it’s not bad, but it’s certainly _there._

Jeno-yah, you’ve made it! It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for, right? This year, college. Next year, adulthood. You’ll be like hyung! It’s a good thing, right? (Don’t say anything! kkkkk) It’s weird. Honestly, it’s like, when I think about you and the others growing up it never really feels like any time is passing, because we’ve just always been with each other. You look the same to me as you did when you were 12, but then I see pictures and I realize how much you’ve grown. We’ve really grown a lot, haven’t we?

We’ve done a lot of things together. I hope we can do a lot of things together in the future too. We’ve made it this far! We have to stay friends until the end, don’t we? I think it’s destiny or something. Was that cheesy? I’m not crossing it out. Love you, bro!

Sincerely,

Your Seagull Hyung Mark Lee

Jeno looks up at Mark, and Mark looks quietly back at him, looks him right in the eyes with 6 years and counting of knowing Jeno, and laughing with him, and watching him grow, and it’s not a moment that words can do justice. Nothing can really explain the feeling in Jeno’s chest right now. It’s not even a single feeling. It’s like all of them, all the feelings that exist all at once.

Jeno has always felt like Mark has really understood him. Just really got him in a way other people didn’t seem to. Maybe that’s why he had liked him so much freshman year. Maybe it’s why he still kind of does. Not like he likes Jaemin, but the phantom of it there. Just lingering. How Mark’s gaze is still a little too intense to meet for very long.

“Thank you, hyung.” he says. He wishes he were better with words at times like this. He is always looking away, keeping it inside. These deep feelings that never make it to the surface. He does this and then he doesn’t understand why nobody understands him. He does this but somehow Mark gets it anyways. Mark gives him this weird, very Canadian handshake that he taught him a long time ago and shouldn’t even remember because it’s been so long. His hand feels different, like a hyung’s hand. Maybe that doesn’t make sense. Maybe it makes perfect sense. Jeno would need to ask someone.

“Of course, Jeno-ya.” Mark says, and his voice is soft. It reminds Jeno of how his voice sounded this one time when they pranked Jisung for his birthday, and Jisung had cried so hard, and Mark had been going _Oh, Jisung. We’re sorry_ . _Aw, I’m sorry Jisung-ah._ Jeno had laughed then, taken a big bite of the birthday cake. “There’s like, 20,000 in there. Go wild.” Mark says.

“I’m rich!” Jeno laughs, fighting the weird cocktail of emotions in his chest. “Noona gave me money, too.” He holds the bills close. “Ah, the last money I’ll be able to spend on myself before college puts me in a chokehold.” Mark laughs at that, tinged with a little bit of pain. His bank account has seen better days.

“Use it wisely, little one.” There’s a comfortable silence for a bit, but Jeno likes how Mark doesn’t seem like he’s in a hurry to leave. Maybe it’s because they’ve known each other for so long that they can just sit in silence and have that be okay. When Jeno opens his mouth a few minutes later, he feels weird, like he’s never spoken before, like his voice is far too loud in the room.

“Hyung?” he asks, and he sounds young. He can feel that he sounds young, and he can tell by Mark’s soft expression when he looks over that he feels it too.

“What is it, Jeno?”

“I hope we can always stay like this. I know there’s going to be some things that change, but...Just like this. As long as we can...I hope it’s forever.” Mark reaches out his hand to hold Jeno’s. If this were freshman year, maybe Jeno would feel giddy right now. But it’s the summer before college starts and Jeno just feels a mix of sadness and comfort. Nostalgia for nothing in particular. There’s this undercurrent of anxiety that runs through him every moment of every day, even when he’s happy. This fear that everyone he’s learned to love and befriended is going to disappear. It’s illogical, and catastrophic by its very nature, and Jeno is trying to get past it. He really is.

“Me too,” Mark says, and they stay like that. Jeno isn’t sure how many minutes pass, but then Mark pulls his hand away and wipes it off on his jeans.

“Man, your hands are really sweaty, dude.” he says, and Jeno’s laugh fades into white noise.

* * *

Move in day is hectic. Jeno didn’t know how many things he owned until he had to bring all of them to the dorms. It feels dramatic and yet perfectly logical at the same time. He _is_ going to be there for almost four months. Maybe he’s rounding up. It doesn’t matter.

They wanted to bring Yukhei for some heavy lifting but his move in day happens to be the very same day as theirs. Doyoung had taken Jeno aside and whispered to him about how having Yukhei carrying fragile items in an exciting environment was probably a recipe for disaster anyway.

“So mean,” Jeno had giggled as Doyoung pulled away, looking offended.

“I’m not! You want him to crack your picture frames?” The ones that Jaemin got him for his birthday? The very idea makes him sick. Doyoung can see that in his face.

“See? Not mean, just honest.”

Yuta gets roped into coming because Doyoung offers to buy him food afterwards (“Nothing expensive!”) and he doesn’t have anything better to do anyways. Doyoung comes because he loves Jeno. Taeyong can’t come but he keeps sending encouraging stickers to the group chat which is honestly doing more harm than good because the Kakao notification sound keeps going off and because their hands are full with luggage they can’t even reach their phones to switch them off. Luckily, one of the very few things uniting Doyoung and Yuta is their shared love of pretending to hate Taeyong, so it does little to deter them. The whole time Jeno’s mom is just standing there, watching them bring stuff in.

She makes Jeno’s bed despite Jeno’s insistence for her not to and Doyoung starts hanging up his clothes and Yuta is standing there eating a granola bar and getting crumbs literally everywhere because it’s a Nature Valley granola bar of all things.

“You’re vacuuming this room before you leave,” Doyoung says. Jeno can almost see his veins popping out, like the big exaggerated ones in anime.

“I’ve never used a vacuum in my life,” Yuta says.

“Well you’re going to today!” Doyoung says. Jeno’s mom is laughing at their banter while Jeno smiles nervously. He’s not just nervous because of them, but Jaemin is late. Jaemin, his roommate. Jaemin is always late, but Jeno thought maybe because today was just so important he’d have more of a sense of urgency.

He doesn’t though. He comes in 25 minutes later just as Jeno’s mom is getting ready to leave and has hugged and kissed Jeno approximately 55 times, not that Jeno’s counting. He’s holding the darkest coffee that Jeno has ever seen and he has Jaehyun doing all the heavy lifting because Jaemin hurt his back when he was little and he uses it to get out of virtually everything involving effort. He’s already said his goodbyes to his mom who dropped him off and he looks like the calmest guy in the world. Jeno can’t believe his luck, honestly. The school said the roommates were almost entirely randomized except that they briefly looked at the roommate preferences that everyone filled out on the housing application.

As it turned out, the roommate assignment system was so shitty that Jeno asking to NOT have a loud, messy roommate who stays up all night resulted in him getting exactly that: Jaemin. Only he couldn’t be happier.

“What’s up!” Jaemin says as he sits down on his bed, not yet made. Oh, he’s going to need that extra thick mattress cover his mom insisted he get. He can feel the springs digging into his bones. “I’ve brought my henchman, Jaehyun hyung.”

“How could you call me your hyung and then your henchman in the same sentence? I’m not even getting paid to do this,” Jaehyun laughs incredulously.

“Of course you are! With my time and company. And also this 10,000 won bill I just found in my back pocket. You’re welcome.”

“Your generosity is overwhelming, my lord.”

“I try.”

There’s a while where no one is talking, just finishing setting up the room. Jeno makes Jaemin’s bed, for some reason. He doesn’t even think Jaemin asked him to. He just all of a sudden was pulling on the fitted sheet and flopping across the bed to pull it taut. He thinks he got possessed by a hotel maid. If the dorm is haunted, he thinks, Renjun is so gonna love it here.

And love it, Renjun does.

“I love it here!” says Renjun, coming in like he owns the place. Considering how much he paid, he feels like maybe he should.

“Is your room haunted too?” Jeno asks, forgetting his internal dialogue was completely internal and no one else has any context for what he said, and thus nobody has any idea what the fuck he’s talking about.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Yuta asks.

“Um, nothing. Was just trying to be funny but it didn’t work. Like always. Haha.”

“Oh, okay then.”

“Yup haha. Classic Jeno.”

“Are you saying ‘haha’? Like, out loud? As if it’s a word?” Renjun asks.

“Haha,”

“Anyways,” Doyoung says, blinking hard. “Why do you love it here? I mean, that’s good! That’s a good thing. I’m just asking.”

“I just think it’s really nice here, and the rooms are way bigger than I thought they were going to be actually. There’s even like, a stove. I thought I was going to have to cook by heating up food with a hair dryer.”

“What? There’s no way chicken can reach a safe internal temperature of 75 degrees Celsius with a hair dryer.”

“Jeno, sweetie. I think it’s time to take a break from talking for a minute,” Doyoung says, very sweetly, his hands on Jeno’s shoulders and forcing him to sit down on the bed. Jeno goes the extra mile and just lays down, stares at the ceiling and letting the day catch up with him. He’s really in college now, huh? He’s really laying on his dorm bed where he’s going to be living in the same room as Jaemin for the better part of 4 months.

“Aw, Donghyuk made a cute couple post with Mark. Mark help him set up his room. Aw, he said Mark is the “best boyfriend in the world”.” Jaemin says, smiling fondly at his cell phone.

“Donghyuk and Mark hyung are dating!?” Jeno asks, sitting up. He feels dizzy. “I never saw that coming.” And no, Jeno doesn’t still have that crush on Mark anymore. Just like, maybe ten percent of it, but he feels strangely hurt? Or jealous or...something. But it’s very faint, and very random. It’s gone as quick as it came.

“Is-Is that sarcasm?” Yuta asks. “They’ve been dating for at least two weeks now.”

“No,” Renjun says, shaking his head sadly. “No, it is not.”

“Poor Jeno,” Yuta says. “He wouldn’t last one day on the streets. He’s just book smart.”

“The streets?” Doyoung asks incredulously. “What streets? We live in Seoul and have one of the lowest crime rates in the world.”

“Details,” Yuta says, waving his hand. Doyoung wants to argue that they’re some pretty important details, but he’s too exhausted to continue the conversation. Yuta makes him tired.

“We’re going to head out now, Jeno.” Doyoung says. “Yuta keeps complaining about being hungry and I did, rather unfortunately, promise him food. Have a good first day of classes on Monday! Oh, you’re so grown up. I promised I wouldn’t cry. I’m not going to.” he says, taking a deep breath. He gives Jeno a really, _really_ tight hug and then ruffles his hair. He almost seems like he’s done but then he pulls Jeno in for a really suctiony forehead kiss. He seems satisfied then. He hugs Renjun and Jaemin goodbye too, but for notably shorter amounts of time. Even Yuta hugs them, and then Jaehyun.

And then it’s just the three of them, and it feels weird.

“Where’s Full Sun?” Jaemin asks. “It feels weird not having him here.”

“With Mark still, probably. They’ll come see us. Mark wouldn’t just leave without saying hi.”

“Hi!” Mark says, and startles Renjun.

“Jesus, we should have shut the door. I didn’t expect to look over and just see him there.”

“Hey, freshies. Guess whose room is all set up and looking sexy?” Donghyuk looks around the room.

“You guys are so boring! There’s not even any decorations or posters up in here.”

“Not with the regulations they give us!” Renjun argues. “I put up one poster I’m gonna get carried out of here by a police officer.”

“That comes later. Decorating comes later,” Jaemin says, waving his hand. “For now we’re just getting settled in.”

They mostly laze around for the rest of the day. There’s more student events tomorrow, a tour and a lunch with all the residents. Normal stuff. They’ll do all that tomorrow. Mark sits with them in a circle and talks conspiratorially about all the “college hacks” he’s learned in the last year. Jeno doesn’t find himself very impressed, but the idea of eating Cheetos with chopsticks to avoid messy fingers is strangely genius.

Eventually, they all go back to their rooms. It’s not as bad as Jeno expected. He was pretending to be excited this whole time but mostly he was scared. He’s still scared. If they’re ever going to grow apart it’ll be here, at college, with a whole new sea of people to choose from. Maybe finding out Mark and Donghyuk were dating hadn’t felt so weird because of his old crush on Mark. Maybe it was just because it was the first major change in their friend group. Maybe to him it felt foreboding.

Jeno sees Donghyuk and Mark later that day, and it looks like they’re having a fight. A pretty bad one, by the looks of it. They’re pointing and their eyebrows are raised and Donghyuk shoves Mark (lightly), and Jeno thinks he should probably go tell someone.

But then they’re laughing, and Mark puts an arm around Donghyuk like he’s a bro, because he isn’t very good at the whole romance thing yet, and Donghyuk manages to peck him on the cheek and Mark just smiles at him, and then pecks him back, and Jeno realizes they must be in love. Yeah, that’s what it is, and he’s happy for both of them.

They’re still the same old Mark and Donghyuk, he realizes. They’re just technically boyfriends now.

* * *

The first month or so of school is a lot of getting used to. There’s a lot of work and things to adjust to and he has to figure out the dining hall and where his classes are and which professors are nice about late work and which ones are absolutely not. It’s enough to distract him from his feelings for a while, especially the ones about Jaemin, and there’s a period of time where he thinks to himself, “Oh, thank god. I’m finally over him. We can just be friends like normal now.”

But he’s wrong. Of course he’s wrong, because feelings never go away just like that.

Now that they’ve settled in and gotten the hang of college life for the most part, Jaemin starts getting restless. He has seen the academic side of it, and he wants to enjoy the social aspect too. He starts walking over to Jeno’s bed and laying on it while Jeno types, trying to catch his attention.

“Jeno,” he whines, drawing out the vowels. “We should go out sometime.”

“We’re not even old enough to get into any of the clubs. We can’t drink until next year.” Jeno says, but Jaemin just grins.

“Funny you should say that. This guy in my Psych class told me all the places that don’t check. And besides, you look like a grown man anyways.” Jaemin says, dangerously close to Jeno now, tilting his chin up with a finger, coy smile on his face. It’s funny how Jeno convinced himself he was over Jaemin, because he still doesn’t wear his prescription glasses around him, and they live together now. The only break his eyes get are his study sessions with Renjun. He audibly sighs with relief every time he gets to put his glasses on, and Renjun tells him to stop making that noise because it makes him “uncomfortable”.

“Not tonight,” Jeno says, because it’s already 8:30 and he doesn’t intend on going anywhere. He’s already in his sweatpants and big t-shirt combo, which means he is done for the day. It’s also Thursday. “But tomorrow maybe. Okay? If anything is weird, we come back immediately. I’m not getting into trouble, especially when it’s not even halfway through the semester. Doyoung hyung wouldn’t kick my ass, but Yuta hyung doesn’t have that kind of attachment to me. He’d beat me with without a second thought.”

“And Renjun would join him.”

“And Renjun would join him,” Jeno agrees.

“Okay, fine.” Jaemin says, rolling off the bed, almost tripping because he underestimated how high the bed is off the ground. “But tomorrow night! I’m holding you to it. It’s a promise,” Jaemin holds out his pinky. “Promise!”

“I can’t believe you’re making me pinky promise to go clubbing with you,” Jeno whines, even as he’s linking pinkies with Jaemin.

“Not clubbing! Just like, a party or two. Bar hopping, maybe. Let’s see where tomorrow takes us. Wear your leather jacket. All your clothes are so...friendly looking.”

“But I am friendly,” Jeno pouts.

“And I know that! But no one talks to a guy at the bar who’s wearing a polo and khakis, you know?” And oh, hold on a minute.

“Oh. Are you going out so you can meet girls?” The question seems to catch Jaemin off guard. It’s a weird moment for both of them.

“Um, not necessarily? If it happens then that’s fine. That’s not like, my reason for- Why? Is that what you want to do?”

“No! That’s- No.” Jeno says, maybe a bit too adamantly. A bit too fast.

“Do you want to meet...guys?” Jaemin asks, and oh, Jeno is realizing a lot of things today, at this exact moment, like that he isn’t even sure whether or not Jaemin is straight, and he’s never really told Jaemin that he himself isn’t straight. He’s getting nauseous. He takes a deep breath in, and Jaemin must see the way he tenses up, because he reaches to hold Jeno’s hand.

“Hey, you know that’s okay, right? If you want to? You don’t have to be embarrassed or anything. This is a time to be kind of, well not _wild,_ but to have fun, you know? I don’t judge.” And they’re talking about two different things really, but Jeno is a little bitter that Jaemin doesn’t get the same pain in his chest when he talks about Jeno theoretically being with someone else as Jeno gets when Jaemin talks about being with other people.

“Oh, no. It’s- I don’t even want to go out and meet anyone right now, but I mean, you don’t mind that I’m-?”

“Of course not! Who do you think I am? I would smack you but I can tell you’re emotionally vulnerable right now. I’m not straight either. Even if I was, do you think I’d care? Don’t you see me coo at Donghyuk’s posts about his dates with Mark? Is that homophobic behavior?” Jeno relaxes then.

“I don’t know, I just never said anything so I wasn’t sure…”

“Look at me, not at your sheets. Hey, we’ve been friends forever. With very few exceptions, I love you no matter what. You don’t have to worry about stuff like that with me. We can have a great time now, being ourselves. I can say things like ‘Is it gay in here or is it just me?’ and you can be like ‘Nope, it’s both of us!’” That unfortunately makes Jeno laugh really hard, so the fragility of the moment is kind of lost. Jaemin is laughing now too, the deep and goofy one that betrays his preppy and sophisticated appearance. The one that catches people off guard.

It’s Jeno’s favorite.

* * *

Friday comes and Jaemin has gotten Jeno all styled with hair product and eyeliner. When they were younger Jeno used to let Jaemin paint his nails. Each nail a different color, while his sister put barrettes in his hair. Jaemin would hold Jeno in place so she could get pictures while they both cooed over how cute he looked, and then his mom would come in and smile and remind them to take it off before school tomorrow because of the dress code.

Jeno is wearing the leather jacket that Jaemin asked him to wear, and he feels like he looks pretty good actually. He likes this style. It suits him but not his personality, so it couldn’t be an all the time thing, but for a special occasion like this, it’s nice.

Jaemin looks pretty too. His fashion is...questionable by Jeno’s standards, but somehow he makes it work. He has blue lenses in, some eyeliner and mascara, his hair styled. He looks like he’s wearing makeup but isn’t wearing makeup. Jeno gets a text from Doyoung asking what his plans are for the night just as they leave the dorm and swipes it away out of guilt. Doyoung can’t know about his delinquent activities. He doesn’t even really want to know about his own delinquent activities. Renjun had _tsked_ at them when they left and he felt like he was being denied entrance into Heaven on Judgement Day. He knows he looks nervous when they walk into the bar, but Jaemin was right. His straw jawline means everyone just believes he’s old enough to be there and maybe Jaemin gets in by association.

Jaemin orders them both “girly” drinks because they have taste buds.

“They’re deceptively strong.” Jaemin says, taking a sip of the blue and purple drink. “And they taste good. I don’t know why men feel like they need to drink nail polish remover flavored drinks. They’re not fooling anyone.” Jeno takes a tentative sip of his drink, and Jaemin feels strangely reminded of how Jeno looks when he drinks banana milk, which is a weird parallel, because banana milk was the iconic drink of their middle school days. Jeno pulls back, and his eyes widen.

“Oh! It tastes fine.”

“You don’t trust me?”

“Well, you do drink Americano and enjoy it.”

“I...Okay, I get that. But I wouldn’t order you something gross! Hang on, let’s get a fishbowl.”

“A what?” Jeno asks, but Jaemin is already getting the waiter’s attention. They’re in a booth now. They relocated after the first drink because it was more cozy. If Jeno closes his eyes, and focuses really hard, it almost feels like a date. He feels warm and comfortable. Maybe that’s the alcohol. Is it the alcohol? He’s not familiar with it. He wants to ask but he thinks Jaemin might laugh at him instead of answering the question.

The waiter comes back with an enormous literal fishbowl full of alcohol. It’s blue just like the last drink and there is so much of it. There’s probably enough for five people, but it was only 12,000 won. There’s little fish shaped candies at the bottom and Jeno thinks it’s so cute, and similar to the previous drink, probably deceptively strong. He takes a pink crazy straw and Jaemin takes a blue one from the variety of colors the waiter gave them, and suddenly Jeno kind of wishes Renjun and Donghyuk and Mark had come too, except he’s a little selfish, so he’s also enjoying just being alone with Jaemin.

He takes a sip, and it’s so fruity and yummy. He drinks it without really stopping to consider how much booze is probably inside it, which is probably a mistake.

“Jeno, I can’t believe I don’t know this. Is this your first time drinking?” Jeno nods. He watches the liquid climb up the inside of Jaemin’s straw.

“That’s special, then.” Jaemin says. “Isn’t that cute? Your first time drinking and it’s with me. I’ll take care of you,” He just means he’ll stop Jeno from drinking too much and make sure he gets home okay. He kind of has to, because they live together, and he’d be a pretty shitty friend if he left Jeno there to die. That’s all Jaemin means, but it still feels nice to hear it. Tingly, like butterflies. Jeno doesn’t intend on drinking that much, though. It seems like a good way to ruin a nice night.

Jeno thinks he can feel the alcohol in a slow, soothing way now. They’re just drinking slowly as they talk. There’s more than half of it left, but Jeno feels like they have it in them to change that. The little fish candies at the bottom look really appetizing for some reason, so Jeno takes the chopsticks that are next to him and grabs at one to eat it. It’s soft now from soaking in the liquid, and half of it hangs out of his mouth.

The table between him and Jaemin isn’t very big, he realizes, and then Jaemin leans forward and captures the other half of the candy with his mouth, bites it and pulls so it splits in half.

Jeno’s heart pounds in his chest. Jaemin had been so close. His _mouth_ had been so close. Jeno doesn’t know what to do, so he just takes a quiet sip of the drink. He can taste a hint of something that’s bitter and burns when he does, so he stirs it with the straw again to mix it. He takes another sip. Much better. He orders a glass of water and Jaemin orders them some greasy snack foods to eat as they talk. This is nice, if Jeno manages to not fixate on how close Jaemin’s mouth had just been to his. It’s not at all what he expected when Jaemin asked him to go out with him. It’s even better. He had expected loud, dirty clubs or house parties with sticky floors. But this is cozy.

“Say ‘ah’,” Jaemin says, and lifts a piece of chicken to Jeno’s mouth. Jeno opens his mouth, but his reaction time is just a little slow, and he gets sauce on his mouth. Jaemin takes a napkin and wipes at his lower lip, but then he moves the napkin so it’s just his thumb moving slowly across Jeno’s lower lip. It lingers, swipes across it again, and then he pulls his hand back. Jeno just doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand what Jaemin is trying to do, if he’s teasing him or whatever. He wishes he would just stop. It’s confusing and it gives him false hope and Jeno doesn’t know what he wants from him.

They nearly finish the drink, just between the two of them, but the ice melts and it starts to taste bitter when the alcohol to fruity things ratio gets thrown off and they leave it. Jeno slowly counts out money to give to Jaemin who refuses to take it.

“Can I at least pay for the chicken and my glass of water?” he asks, but Jaemin shakes his head as he gives the waiter the bills.

“Jaemin,” he whines.

“It’s okay. I’m getting us an Uber by the way. I don’t think we can walk back like this. Not very well anyways.” He laughs. Jeno nods. He just feels very content and sleepy and warm. Things that happened just a little while ago seem far away now, deep in the past.

When they get in the Uber, he can’t stop leaning against Jaemin, but Jaemin doesn’t ask him to stop. He just offers his shoulder to him like he knew this was going to happen. Maybe he did.

“Tired?” he asks, his eyelids drooping a little. Jeno nods against his shoulder. Words are tiring.

“Yeah, me too. I think our tolerance is about the same. That’s funny.” Jeno just nuzzles into him, wanting to be impossibly closer. The dorm isn’t too far from the bar, but the ride feels like it’s taking forever. Jeno lifts his head up to look at Jaemin, and it’s just nice. It’s warm, and Jeno has always loved night drives, and he’s with Jaemin, and he feels happy and safe. So he’s just looking at Jaemin and taking it all in.

Then Jaemin leans down, very slowly, as if in slow motion, and gets closer and closer to him. Jeno thinks he can see the exact moment that Jaemin decides that yes, he’s doing this, and Jaemin kisses Jeno gently on the mouth. So, so gently he could cry, like he’s afraid he’s going to hurt Jeno’s lips. He pulls back, not panicked, but as if coming to his senses. He blinks hard.

“I’m sorry, you just looked so…” he trails off, and seems saddened by his inability to find the words. Jeno can feel himself looking young again, like he did when he got Mark’s letter. He _is_ young, he reminds himself. _In such a hurry to grow up,_ Jaehyun says. Jeno can feel himself looking soft and vulnerable, and he can see Jaemin looking that same way. Jeno leans up, tentative, so cautious, cupping Jaemin’s cheek in his palm, and kisses the other cheek gently.

Jaemin turns so Jeno’s lips slide across his cheek and meet his lips, and kisses him gently again. Jeno’s hair has come out of the styling after being pressed against Jaemin’s shoulder and the seats of the car, so Jaemin tries to fix it with his hands while their lips are still pressed together. Something about the kiss is so sweet, and so painful. Jeno is distantly aware that they might never be able to talk about it again after this, and he wishes he didn’t have to keep this terrible secret, not when Jaemin is going to keep it with him. They pull apart, and the driver clears her throat.

“We’ve arrived,” she says, and Jeno feels embarrassed suddenly, like cold water has been splashed on his face. He wonders how many people have kissed in the back of her car. He wonders how many of those kisses were between a boy and a girl, if she hates them now. He never meant to cause her any trouble.

He tries to stand up and he’s shaky and uncoordinated. Jaemin has a strong grip on his wrist, but not an angry one, guides him towards the dorm entrance. He seems to have sobered up a bit, but Jeno feels more drunk than ever. And sad, but in a weird way, like he’s watching something bad happen to someone else in a movie, or listening to a sad song, and he’s feeling that sadness indirectly.

He sits on his bed with a makeup wipe Jaemin hands him and scrubs at his face in ineffective circles until Jaemin comes over and takes it from him to actually get the makeup off of his eyes. He is so tired now, changes into pajamas clumsily.

“Hey, Jaemin?” he says, and it’s slurred. Jaemin turns around quickly.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry, so please don’t hate me in the morning. Let’s just pretend it didn’t happen.” he says. He’s half asleep under the covers and Jaemin takes a bit too long to answer, so his eyes open again.

“Jaemin?” he asks, and he’s scared now.

“I don’t hate you, Jeno.” he says, softly. “Get some rest.”

“I love you, Jaemin,” he says. It’s a little desperate, and he knows that. It’s like a call to a void. He’s just throwing it out there. He feels a hand in his hair. He didn’t even know Jaemin was that close to him.

“I love you too. Sleep.”

* * *

Jaemin isn’t there in the morning. He doesn’t have class until 11 AM, but he’s nowhere to be found. All that stuff in the movies about not remembering what you did last night is a lie, Jeno thinks, because he remembers all of it. He remembers the blue fishbowl and the crazy straws, the fish candy, the ride back to the dorms, the kissing, how Jaemin had never told Jeno exactly how he looked, what it was that made him want to kiss him. He knows he won’t be able to focus in class, so he just goes back to sleep. He can afford to miss it anyways. He’s gotten zero absences so far this entire semester, and he’ll let himself have this day. Just this one day.

“Where are you?” he texts Jaemin, feeling like a desperate loser.

“The library. You feel okay today?” Ah, so that’s it. Jaemin’s going to be nice about it and pretend nothing happened. What’s getting Jeno the worst is that he can feel that he said something wrong, he just isn’t sure what it was. He said so many things.

“I think I’m getting sick. I’m not gonna go to class today.”

“You never skip. You sure?”

“Yeah. It’ll be fine. It’s just this once.” And somehow the conversation ends with Jeno feeling worse than before.

* * *

Things are pretty normal, or a reasonable imitation of normal, when it’s finally time for break. Jeno and Jaemin go home for Christmas and New Years and they don’t go out of their way to avoid each other because their friend groups are too closely intertwined and it’d be too difficult, but their interactions are awkward, like they’re scripted.

“Dude, did you and Jaemin get in like, a fight or something?” Mark asks when it’s just him and Jeno outside.

“Oh, hyung,” Jeno whines. “That’s the thing. We got in like the opposite of a fight. Can I tell you something? This is so embarrassing.” Jeno says.

“Yeah, go ahead. No judgement here.” Jeno takes a deep breath.

“So Jaemin and I went drinking-”

“ _You drank_?” Mark says, incredulously. Jeno wilts.

“You said no judgement.”

“It’s not judgement it’s just like- Wow. I didn’t expect that. Okay, so what happened?”

“So I don’t know it got like, weird. He was being strangely flirty. Or at least it seemed that way? So whatever. And then we took an Uber home, obviously. And we- Oh god. We kissed. Twice.”

“Oh. _Oh._ ”

“Yeah,” Jeno says, putting his face in his hands. “So that’s what we’re dealing with.”

“Wait, so. Why is that a problem?”

“Because we’re best friends.”

“You can kiss and still be best friends.”

“Oh, but I forgot a part. I’m in love with him, you see. I have been for a while now.”

“Still not seeing the problem here, Jeno.”

“So I told him to pretend nothing happened and that I was sorry.”

“Jeno.”

“Hm?”

“I have bad news. You’re the problem.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. You probably hurt Jaemin’s feelings or something. Why’d you tell him to pretend nothing happened?”

“I just thought it’d be easier for him. I thought he wanted to forget it happened.”

“Well, who kissed who?”

“He...kissed me. Both times.”

“Jeno.”

“What is it now?” Jeno whines.

“Go tell him you didn’t mean it. He doesn’t know you like him so he’s not seeing it the way you’re seeing it. He probably thinks he made you uncomfortable or something. Seriously, I’m me and even I know how to fix this.”

“I’m scared.” Jeno whispers.

“Sometimes we have to be scared. I heard that somewhere. Not sure where.” Jeno sighs.

“I’ll tell him tomorrow.”

“Yeah! That’s excellent. I promise it’ll be fine. See, we have a plan now. We figured this out. Am I the best hyung ever or what? Don’t answer that.”

* * *

“Jeno?” Jaemin asks when he opens the door. “I didn’t know you were coming over.” Jeno is sheepish with his hands in his pockets and his shoulders up to his ears because it is so cold outside and he is so nervous, but he smiles weakly anyways.

“I just wanted to come see you. I know when break is over we’ll be back in our room again for another three and a half months but I didn’t feel like this could wait that long. So here I am. Can we talk?”

“Of course,” Jaemin says, because Jeno is shivering outside and they were never _mad_ at each other anyways, it was just awkward. “Come inside.”

So Jeno is sat across Jaemin with a mug of hot chocolate with his fingers trembling around the glass of the mug not because Jeno is cold anymore but because he is so, so nervous.

“I came here because I wanted to tell you something. I’m not really sure how you’re going to react or anything but if you want me to leave just tell me and I’ll leave. There’s no pressure, okay?” Jaemin nods, but he looks surprised at the mention of throwing Jeno out. Jeno thinks that might be good news, like Jaemin is less likely to do that. Honestly, he had mentioned it so casually but when he actually thinks about it he wants to cry.

“Do you remember when we went to the bar? The fishbowl cocktail and the straws?” Jaemin nods, shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Jeno is barely meeting his eye.

“Do you...remember what happened after that on the way home?” Jaemin’s expression is unreadable now, and Jeno’s anxiety level is steadily rising.

“Do you remember kissing me?” he asks gently, fear in his voice. Jaemin swallows hard across from him.

“Yes, I do. I remember all of it.”

  
“Okay. Me too. Well I remember before I went to sleep I told you to pretend it didn’t happen.”

“I remember that too,” Jaemin says.

“Did I make you upset when I said that?” There’s an awkward pause, Jaemin’s jaw is set, and he looks intimidating now.

“I just want to know why you said it.”

“You really do?” Jeno asks, shrinking into his coat. “The really real reason?” Jaemin nods.

“I really do.” Jeno takes a deep breath.

“I’m scared,” he admits. “But I owe you this much, right? Remember when we went to the fair before senior year and we saw fireworks?” he says, and Jaemin looks confused, but he nods.

“I was in love with you then,” he says, watching Jaemin’s eyes widen and his mouth fall open just a little, as if in guarded disbelief.

“And then when you came to my house with that giant Cinnamoroll plushie on my birthday when no one else could come see me?” Another nod.

“I was in love with you then, too. And at the last school dance when we slow danced to like, four songs in a row. And that night in the Uber, when you kissed me? I was still in love with you, and-” This is where it gets really hard, and Jeno’s throat is tight, and he’s trembling, but he figures if he got this far, he might as well finish.

“And right now, sitting across from you like this, I love you now too, so...I said it because I wanted you to still be able to have the sense of normalcy that I couldn’t. You know, obviously I looked away when you changed and all that stuff. I’m not a creep. But it’s hard to be in love with someone all the time and you know they don’t see you like that so you have to make sure you’re never taking advantage of them. So that night at the bar I just thought you were drunk, just like I was, and that you did something without thinking about it and that you were going to regret it,” He swallows hard. Jaemin is staring a hole through the table and Jeno wants to run out of the house, but he presses on because Jaemin deserves better than that.

“Did you regret it?” he almost whispers, but he knows Jaemin hears him, because he looks up.

“No,” Jaemin says. “I didn’t. And I still don’t. So that’s why when you said that to me, and you told me to forget it, it hurt my feelings. Because I didn’t want to forget it.” Jaemin wipes a tear. Jeno isn’t sure how he didn’t notice when Jaemin started to cry. Maybe he was just too in his head. If he wasn’t so scared he’d be crying too, but instead he’s just confused.

“You don’t regret kissing me?” He’s laying everything he has out there now. His heart, his feelings, his friendship with Jaemin, everything he’s got.

“I never did. And I think it’s- I think it’s one of the smartest things I’ve ever done, to be honest with you. One of my better decisions. I thought that before you said that to me. But you’re saying you love me, that you’ve loved me for a long time and that’s so…” he trails off.

“Did you think I’d push you away if I found out?” Jaemin asks, but he already knows the answer.

“I was so scared of losing you.” Jeno admits.

“All that talk about losing everyone, it was about me? You were scared.”

“I was scared about losing the others too but you...Yeah. I worried about that the most.”

“Did you ever consider that maybe I loved you too?” Jeno looks at him.

“Jaemin…”

“That maybe I still do? Right now? That I loved you when you won me that bear at the fair in the strength competition? That I loved you on the night of the dance, when I kept asking to dance with you for just one more song? When I almost kissed you afterwards? Did that ever occur to you?”

“Jaemin, if this is a joke I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“Well, it isn’t one.” Jaemin says, holding Jeno’s hand so it’ll stop shaking. “So what do you want to do? Do you want to stop avoiding each other now and do something about it?” Jeno nods.

“Yes...I’ve missed you. I’ve seen you so many times but I still missed you.”

“Here’s an idea, right? If you love me, and I’m telling you that I love you, then what if you were my boyfriend? Do you want to be my boyfriend, Jeno?” Jeno feels like his soul left his body a long time ago, like he’s been floating for the last fifteen minutes. He can feel Jaemin’s thumb sliding comfortingly across his hand but it still doesn’t feel real.

Jaemin saying he’s loved him since the fair...There’s no way. There’s no way that in all this time Jaemin has been viewing Jeno as beautifully as Jeno has been viewing Jaemin. It just doesn’t make any sense.

“Jeno,” Jaemin says. “Is that a no? It’s okay. It’s-”

“No, no!” Jeno says. “I’m sorry my brain is just- This is a lot to take in. Yes, of course it’s a yes.” Jaemin smiles at that, and then Jaemin’s hand is pushing his hair away again, and it feels just like that night in the car, the same slow and warm intensity.

Jaemin doesn’t rush. He thinks things that are important take time, things that matter. So he leans in slowly and presses their mouths together, a soft plush meeting of lips, tender and loving. It means I’ve loved you for a long time now and we’re here because we took our time, because we fell in love with each other slowly, one step at a time. It means you were worth waiting for.

  


* * *

Johnny has the video of the New Year’s Eve ball drop up on the Apple TV and there’s sparkling cider and grape juice all around and little snacks. It’s this New Year’s party tradition he started years and years ago. A little taste of the United States in South Korea. Johnny says it’s already the New Year in America anyway, but he insists on playing the video to simulate the effect, so they can all count down to the New Year in Korea together. Jaemin made Jeno keep everything a secret, and promised not to say anything in return. It’s a surprise.

“12!” Johnny starts, holding up two fingers for some reason, and that’s a weird number to start on, Jeno thinks.

“11!” Jaemin is right beside him. They don’t have to worry about finding each other in time.

“10!” And the rest have joined in now. Their voices are loud.

“9!” Chenle is yelling the loudest.

“8!” Now Yukhei has him beat. Jeno thinks his ears are going to explode.

“7! 6! 5!” Jeno is so excited. He thinks this new year is going to be the best one yet. He’s trying to look forward instead of backwards.

“4! 3!” Jaemin subtly takes his hand. The anticipation is killing him.

“2!” Almost.

“1! Happy New Year!” Everyone calls out as Jaemin pulls Jeno forward to kiss him. His hand comes up to cup Jeno’s face and Jeno can’t help but smile into the kiss. He kisses him back. In the distance he hears Doyoung and Taeyong’s horrified and scandalized gasps, and Yukhei and Yuta’s cheers. Chenle is blowing the absolute fuck out of a party blower right into Renjun’s ear, and Mark, who was distracted by his kiss with Donghyuk, lets out an ungodly shriek upon seeing the couple. It sounds like he’s watching a hockey game, and boy is his team winning.

Jeno pulls back first, because Jaemin is clingy, and they _are_ surrounded by a good 11 or so hyungs. It was embarrassing enough to kiss in front of them at all, let alone for an extended period of time. That would just make everyone uncomfortable.

“You know what makes this year different from the last one? This time we love each other but we both know about it.” Jaemin whispers. Jeno remembers the last New Year’s party. Him and Jaemin had clinked cups of cranberry juice and chugged on the count of 1 and started off the New Year with stomach aches, and then they had all ordered late night fried chicken and feasted like animals.

“Just so you know, if you break up with me before the semester it’s going to be awkward as all hell because we are _literally_ sharing a room. So speak now or forever hold your peace, and by forever I mean until the school year is over.”

“Shut up! Don’t say that. I couldn’t imagine doing that-” Jaemin laughs, but gets cut off by Doyoung. He looks very stressed out despite his 2019 crown and sunglasses from the dollar store.

“Jaemin, we have to have a chat. What are you intentions with my son?” he asks, putting an arm around Jaemin and walking off with him. Jeno laughs as he watches them walk away. Maybe getting interrogated by Doyoung is worth it, so they can have this.

“The relationship will fall apart if you can’t muster up the courage to wear your glasses around him,” Renjun says, smiling. “But I wish you good luck all the same.” He puts a hand on Jeno’s shoulder. “If you ever get in a fight I refuse to pick sides and divide the group. You must settle it amongst yourselves like adults. May you prosper!” He yells, lifting a cup to the sky. Yukhei, who doesn’t even know what Renjun is talking about because he wasn’t listening, goes “Yeah!” and chugs his cup of cranberry juice. Jeno winces. He knows what a cranberry juice stomach ache feels like.

Jisung appears out of absolutely nowhere. Jeno didn’t even know he was at the party.

“So it’s you and Jaemin hyung and Mark hyung and Donghyuk hyung. Wait, the way I phrased that made it sound like all four of you are dating. Gross. It’s hard enough to see two of you together at a time. I didn’t know that you guys graduating meant you were all going to pair up and date. Right now that just leaves Renjun hyung out of the four of you, and if he starts dating Chenle I’m calling the police.”

“What the fuck,” Renjun says. “I’d call the police too.”

“Yeah,” Donghyuk laughs. “Jisung has dibs on the Chenster.”

“I’m serious about calling the police,” Renjun says. “I’ll get this whole event shut down.”

“Renjun hyung, you can’t die alone. That’s so sad.” Chenle says. Renjun puts him in a headlock. The first of the new year.

“I’m not going to die alone so don’t worry about it. You, however, might. Say you’re a fool.”

“I’m a fooool,” Chenle cries pathetically, and then shrieks with laughter the moment Renjun lets him go. “Jisung, I want cream puffs. Let’s go!” he says, pointing to the table of snacks, and Jisung shrugs apologetically and walks away with him.

“Hey, where’d Jaemin go?” Mark asks.

“Doyoung stole him from me. I think the kiss shocked him. He needs answers.” Jeno explains.

“He’s known Jaemin just as long as he’s known you. I’m not really sure what he’s hoping to find out,” Donghyuk laughs.

“Jaemin is viewed a little unfavorably because of that one day at the Han river.” Jeno laughs.

“Oh my god, is he _still_ mad about that?” Donghyuk asks, exasperated. “All because I skinned my knee and kept asking for hot dogs and nachos. I was 12!”

“You must know by now that Doyoung hyung holds grudges. I expect him back with Jaemin any moment now.”

Doyoung comes back with his arm still around Jaemin’s shoulders. It appears they’ve done a lap around the perimeter of the room, and now it’s Jaemin wearing the 2019 sunglasses.

“I’ve decided Jaemin is a suitable b-boyfriend for you. It’s still taking some getting used to.”

“Oh, you have?” Jeno laughs. “Thank you for your blessing.”

“Thanks so much, hyungnim.” Jaemin says, bowing. His sunglasses fall off, and Jeno wheezes.

“Save it,” Doyoung says. “I have to accept this. Please keep the PDA to a minimum. I will literally have a heart attack.”

“Don’t worry, hyung.” Jeno says. “I won’t kiss him with those sunglasses on anyways.”

“Hey!” Doyoung and Jaemin say at the same time. “I paid good money for those sunglasses.” Doyoung says, wounded.

“I know, hyung,” Jeno says comfortingly. “Can I have my boyfriend back?” Doyoung grumbles.

“I suppose so. I’m gonna go eat some cream puffs.” When Doyoung turns around, Jaemin gives Jeno the lightest peck on the lips, and Jeno looks around at all of his friends in the room, the same ones he’s had for years now, a few who he met just over the past couple of months, and he thinks they’ve all changed for the better.

It’s not good to stay the same. He’s always known that, but change was something that terrified him. It was so uncertain. For some reason he was so sure those changes meant he would end up getting left behind. They’d realize they didn’t need him anymore and leave him in the previous year.

But Taeyong announces that he’s ordering the chicken and the room erupts with people yelling out what kind they want and it sounds just like it did last year, just with some new voices added. It sounds _better_ , and Jeno thinks it isn’t fair to miss his friends, not when they’re doing such a good job of being right there beside him and trying to make the night as fun as possible. So he wills down his preemptive nostalgia and yells out “Half and half!” along with everyone else.


End file.
